Posted Entries:

The First Time Posted on Dec 17, 2015, 10:12 pm
Falling in love with him was inevitable. It wasn’t fireworks and butterflies, but something deeper and stronger. A bonfire in the winter. Earth beneath my feet. Safety and security and peace. He was like the heroes you read about in historical romances, all dark and broody and sexy. But kind and loving and gooey on the inside. Solid and strong.

You Shaped Cyclones. Posted on Dec 17, 2015, 12:12 am
Our stories were”you-shaped cyclones” that whirled through my heart on a regular basis. Lately, though, the winds have quieted somewhat and the fireflies don’t shine nearly as bright as they used to. Maybe I’m finally learning to let go of the people that let me go. Maybe I’m beginning to understand that I am worth so much more.

Falling Off the Wagon Posted on Dec 16, 2015, 8:12 pm
And just like that, I fell off the Holidailies wagon. I have many excuses. Doula drama with a local hospital. Miss L and I both coming down with wretched colds and not sleeping well and feeling generally crappy. Miss L’s Christmas event at school. Shopping and packing and organizing for our trip. I could go on and on. But the truth is, I could have made time; I just ran out of words.

Looking Back, Looking Forward Posted on Dec 9, 2015, 9:12 pm
My goal for 2015 was simply to do less than I had been. It is in my nature to take on more than I should. I have a hard time turning down clients and I agree to absolutely every event and activity that is presented to me.

My Only Child Posted on Dec 7, 2015, 12:12 am
What if my brain reacts to a second birth the way it did the first? What if I put Miss L’s life at stake by taking this risk? It isn’t worth it for me. No matter how much I ache to grow another baby, to redo my birth experience so I can heal from my last, to feel another tiny person in my arms…none of that is worth the possibility of Hell.

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas (Not). Posted on Dec 6, 2015, 2:12 am
Did I know that this was what I was signing up for when I decided to marry C? Did I understand how complicated it would become when we had a child? We always want to think that love conquers all, but all the love in the world can’t quite make this right. Any choice I (we) make breaks someone’s heart. Often times, it’s mine.

California Dreamin' Posted on Dec 5, 2015, 4:12 am
I have this memory of sitting on a swing on Santa Monica Beach, looking out over the Pacific Ocean. Miss L was playing in the sand in front of me and a boy that I had loved for a third of my life was sitting on the swing next to me.

Raising a Girl Posted on Dec 3, 2015, 10:12 pm
I hope she learns that there are no limits to who she can be. I hope she grows up knowing she can wear whatever the hell she wants to wear, that her body is hers to do with as she wishes and that it does not belong to anyone else, that there is nothing dangerous about her skin. I hope she grows up supporting the reproductive rights of all women, that she supports choice and dignity.

A Mama's Ramblings Posted on Dec 2, 2015, 11:12 pm
While I love being Miss L’s mama, motherhood continually breaks my heart. The transition from newborn to baby to toddler, and now to preschooler…it feels so sudden even when it really isn’t. I blinked and she went from my constantly-breastfeeding-never-sleeping baby to this three-year-old that just won’t stop talking.

History of My Heart Posted on Dec 1, 2015, 10:12 pm
At the core of it all, there’s also this one thing I think about over and over: how come I’m so easy to leave? How come people find it so damn easy to walk away from me, even after promises of forever-friendships? And because the common denominator in all of this is me, I can’t help but wonder what is so wrong with me.